On a tour of the maternity ward the other day and the midwife mentioned that they have CD players “for you to play whatever it is that will help you get you through the pain.”

Ooh. I might be ambivalent about birth plans and needles etc but I do enjoy putting together playlists. Suddenly in my head I’m playing around with possibilities for a new one: Music to give birth to. This would sit neatly alongside the other playlists that have documented the past four years of my life, since procuring my first mp3 player:

Wrist-slitting music -- for when your heart’s broken and you want to wallow in misery -- Nothing Compares 2 U, With or Without You, etc


I’m beautiful and it’s your loss -- for the weeks following the wrist-slitting music when you realise you’re actually going to survive -- Beautiful, I Will Survive, etc

Running songs -- for when you decide you’re so beautiful and capable of surviving that you might as well train for a half-marathon -- Seven Nation Army, Times Like These, etc

Songs that H chose for me -- for when the boy of your dreams makes you a mixed CD and you have to keep playing those songs when you’re apart, to make you feel like you’re not really apart -- Such Great Heights, This Old Love, etc

Then there’s Rainy day music, Come on Spring (from a particularly long winter), Party songs, songs that reminded me of uni days, songs that reminded me of certain summers, and Favourite guilty pleasures (the ones you keep tucked away and bring out on Sunday mornings when you live alone, so you can dance to them in your jim jams without anyone knowing).

And now, I need music that will get me through baby DC’s birthday. I’m still thinking this through (do I want chilled out stuff that’ll make me feel like a Zen Buddhist with no need for drugs, or do I want life-affirming, memory-filled music that’ll distract me for hours and take me to places thousands of miles from the labour ward?)… but while I flick through my collection and drive around listening to the radio, I find I’m being struck by songs that would be really unhelpful.


So just in case there are any masochists out there looking for suggestions, here’s the Top 10 worst songs I can think of to give birth to.

1. Pineapple Head, by Crowded House (somewhat counter-productive for visualisation exercises)
2. Feel the Pain, by Dinosaur Jnr (equally useless for pain distraction)
3. Fast as you can, by Fiona Apple (same goes for anything about rushing or needing to get out of this place)
4. The Drugs Don’t Work, by the Verve (“they just make it worse…”)
5. Torn, by Natalie Imbruglia (could there be a more inappropriate song for labour?)
6. Barely Hanging On, by A-Ha (Morten Harket wailing like a big old drama queen – no thanks)
7. Somebody Kill Me Please, by Adam Sandler (put a bullet in my heeeeeeaaaaaaaaad)
8. I’m Yours, by Jason Mraz (innocuous enough but I’d feel like I was in a tv show and Rebecca Gibney was about to burst into the room. Or worse, the cast of 90210.)
9. Gone Daddy Gone, by Gnarls Barkley (hopefully not)
10. The whistling song from Kill Bill (because nobody wants to be reminded of Daryl Hannah in an eye patch and nurse’s uniform, approaching your room to euthanise you while you’re at your most vulnerable.)