OK, I’ll admit I’ve not been doing this long, but since boobs and milk production have been the centre of my world 24 hours a day, for the past three weeks, I feel qualified to write this list. Women seem to revel in passing on their war stories from the labour suite, but breastfeeding tales are never shared with the uninitiated. These are the things I’ve had to learn in a hurry:

1. On Day 3 your boobs will resemble watermelon-sized boulders, and your baby will be (understandably) terrified of them, and of you, as you stupidly continue to offer them up like they’re chocolate sundaes and then get upset when they’re treated like boxes of ratsac.
2. Your partner will also be terrified of them (and of you). You will be too, for that matter. They do eventually start to look less freaky, thank God, but not before you’ve cried twenty gallons of tears and discovered the joys of breast pumps.
3. You have to stick to an even more virtuous diet than when you were pregnant. At least, you do if you live in Australia. My fellow new mums in the UK tell me that all the midwives there (yes, all of them) advise them to eat creamy chocolates and cakes "to encourage the milk supply". Here you're told to eat apples, bananas, nuts, wholegrains and proteins and that chocolate is Evil, just like tea, coffee and alcohol, and will turn your baby into the devil.
4. This last point doesn’t mean much anyway, because the REAL reason you lose weight while breastfeeding is that you don’t have time to eat anymore. (Or shower, or go to the toilet, or phone your friends.)
5. It hurts. Even when you’re doing it right, it hurts. After a while you accept this and you’re just grateful if and when your baby is eating properly, and you can picture yourself smug and victorious at the next weigh-in with the child health nurse who makes no secret of the fact that she thinks you are starving your child.
6. Cabbage leaves are useless and they stink. It’s also slightly disconcerting for your partner to see cabbage leaves growing from under the neckline of your top.
7. This “tingling” sensation they talk about, that lets you know you’re “letting down” milk. It doesn’t tingle. It’s more like someone has pegged your nipples to the hills hoist while you’re standing on the other side of the yard.
8. Not all button-down tops were created equal. So when you’re shopping for clothes and think you can get away with normal button-down tops because they’ll be “good for breastfeeding”, think about how quickly you can feasibly get those buttons open. Anything over one and a half seconds is asking for trouble. (Hungry babies make Gordon Ramsay look like the Patron Saint of Patience.)
9. Therefore, if you’re wearing something that requires too much faffing about to unbutton and re-button, you’ll get lazy and find yourself accidentally opening the front door to greet visitors and courier delivery men with your top hanging open and one or both boobs on display. And after not very long at all, you won’t even care.
10. If you’re on a roll, and your baby’s mouth isn’t underneath to catch it all, your milk leaks in rivers. Sometimes rivers, sometimes fountains. You’ll keep Kleenex in business just mopping up excess breast milk all day and night. Sometimes, if you’re not watching your baby, you’ll look down to find they’ve detached themselves and they have little rivulets of milk running down their mouths and cheeks, into their ears.
11. Very soon, every item of clothing you own will be covered in milk (fresh or regurgitated) stains. You have to sleep in your bra if you want to save your PJs and bedding, and wear nursing pads if you want to save your bra (all that recycling you do is about to be negated by the massive increase in landfill you’re now contributing to).
12. Oops, I said 10 things didn’t I? Well, that’s my final point – breastfeeding, coupled with the inevitable associated sleep deprivation, depletes your brain capacity even more than being pregnant, if that’s possible. You won’t just forget where you put your keys, you’ll forget they’re even called keys.